1. Doctor Fauci told everyone to stay home.
2. Still heartbroken over the Kim and Kanye breakup.
3. I’m binge-watching Fauda.
4. Peter Beinart keeps sexting me.
5. Climate Change
6. Ahed Tamimi ate all the food at the polling stations.
7. Can I still blame this on Trump?
8. Didn’t want to detract from Pride Week next month.
9. The wild pigs that the Zionists release every night (wait, he really said this).
10. Just trying to help the Daily Freier write a decent joke for once.
1. We need to prepare for our upcoming elections
2. Still kinda exhausted from Pride
3. Need to catch up on The Bachelor
4. Still haven’t forgiven Jared Kushner for those Game of Thrones spoilers
5. Our Ex just moved to Bahrain and we really don’t want to run into her
6. Frankly, John Bolton’s mustache frightens us
7. Coachella
8. We hear that Trump isn’t big on holding grudges
9. Still looking for parking
10. What part of “From the River to the Sea” don’t you understand?
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 6:45 PM
Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.
Palestinian Authority President shared his sorrow. “Never in the 14 years of my 4 year term of office have I felt such shame and humiliation. This is Al-Naqba 2018.”
The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.
Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.“
UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.
By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM
Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.
“I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.
The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.
Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.
The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.
Ramallah- Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas “condemned in the strongest terms” Israel’s “disproportionate and indiscriminate” response to tomorrow’s completely spontaneous riots. Tomorrow’s riots will be a grass-roots, spur of the moment populist reaction to President Donald Trump’s decision to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and will begin approximately 15 minutes after mid-morning prayers. Abbas described Israel’s “Barbaric” attack on tomorrow’s peaceful protesters at a news conference this evening.
This Joke is Now 5 Years Old!
(We originally published on the Times of Israel in 2015, but miraculously Abbas is still the President 4 years later. Happy 16th Anniversary Abu Mazen!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/29/2015 at 1:20 PM
TEL AVIV: With only days left until the Festival of Lights, Israelis from all walks of life are celebrating a 21st Century miracle, as Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas prepares to begin the 11th Year of a Four Year term of office that began in January 2005. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv residents as they made preparations to celebrate this momentous occasion.
“So the legend is that there was only enough corruption, incitement and farce to last four years…” explained local historian Yoni K. as he looked for sufganyot and potatoes in the Shuk Ha Carmel. “But through a little luck and maybe even a miracle, his four-year term has lasted ten years and counting! Nes Gadol Haya Po!”
Nearby, local homemaker Rachel T. searched for Hanukkah gifts to send Mr. Abbas. “Abbas is always complaining about the Jews’ dirty feet, so I thought, why not get him a doormat…you know, just in case he has Jews over for company!”
While most people will celebrate Hanukkah as they always do, Florentin resident Danny G. wants to try something new this year. “Well first, I think we will hang out at my apartment and take turns reading President Abbas’ Doctoral Thesis. And then, I was thinking of hitting some clubs in Dubai with President Abbas’ son Yassar!”
Yafo resident Elad L. was just giddy with anticipation as he bought soda and cups. “I am so excited to celebrate the Miracle of Abu Mazen’s 10 Year Four Year Term! Nothing could make me sad right now! Except you know, if Abbas had to run for office again or something.“
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/15//2015 at 12:30 PM
Jerusalem: During telephone calls described by sources as “tense” and “frank”, U.S. Secretary of State Kerry issued an ultimatum to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Abbas: If there is no significant reduction in violence by Friday, that the three of them and their respective staffs will spend the weekend discussing Secretary Kerry’s week-long yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard this August. “We may discuss the yacht trip itself. I may need a couple of hours to explain the subtle nuances of the wind around Cape Cod. Will definitely touch on the time I ran into Joan Baez in Hyannis. I may even need to provide a complete analysis as to which bistro on the island Teresa and I like the best. Really, the sky’s the limit.”
Reaction to this threat was swift, with Israel’s Cabinet meeting in an emergency session. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a visibly distraught Minister Yaakov Litzman after the meeting. “I fear nothing but HaShem. Well…..HaShem and Secretary Kerry’s anecdotes about the Red Sox in the ’70’s.” Concern was equally high on the Palestinian side,with an alarmed Hanan Ashrawi telling the Daily Freier about her fears for the meeting. “I studied French at school……and Mister Kerry knows this…….if he wants to switch to French during the conversation, everybody knows who will pay the price: me.”
As Secretary Kerry prepared for his possible arrival, the Daily Freier informed him that windsurfing is quite popular in Israel and that he should talk about that for a while as well.